Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
