Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
