Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Boobs are out for the taking
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
Randomize
