Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
