If that was your dad, he is hot
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
