I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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