M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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