I haven't been this sober since birth.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
