hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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