were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
Just did lines off a tackle box. Love Montana.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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