I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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