I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
Randomize
