I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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