She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
