blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
