alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
