I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I've been awake for 20+ hrs. What does that mean? I just realized if BSB were Twilight characters, Brian would be Jake and Howie would be Edward based on the video for "Everybody". That's unsettling.
It's unsettling that you took the time to think about that.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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