Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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