if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Randomize
