paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Randomize
