47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
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