We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Randomize
