I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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