i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
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