I lost my shoes and bra and was beyond mapquesting
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Randomize
