He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
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