this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Its 10:23 on a monday morning and im craving jello shots, this is a problem
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
