i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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