if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
