i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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