my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
