Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
