It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
