It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
i was rollin on her like bob the builder
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
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