Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
