dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
buying a tattoo gun on ebay just sounded like a good idea at the time idk man
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
