They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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