I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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