my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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