Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
