I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
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