i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
