She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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