Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
dude. I can hear the air.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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