Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
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