I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
