your parents love me but you hate me
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
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