im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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