My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Randomize
