Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
