You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
