where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
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